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hate is a strong word

I hate my job. I hate the people I sit with in my office. I hate that I don't make nearly enough money to pay my bills. I hate that every day at this job is like fucking groundhog day.
  • Current Music
    the voices in my head telling me to kill
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(no subject)

I went to the doctor. I told them something was not right.

Yes, You're correct, they said. You Are Not Right. They sent me to another doctor. And then another one.

They gave me some pills. These will help, they said.

Great. I am glad. This has been going on for far too long and I really hate the idea of feeling like this forever.


The pills make me dizzy. They make me edgy. I can't stand most noises and every person I encounter irritates me.

I am scatterbrained and forgetful and I can't focus on my work.

I feel like I am watching everything and everyone on TV.

Last night I was driving home from work. I missed my exit. I got off at another exit and became disoriented and got lost. I simply could not remember where I was or how to get home.

I became scared. I wondered if this was what the edeely experienced at the onset of dementia.

The moment passed and I regained my bearings and finally made it home.

This will pass, they said. Stick it out. Give it a few weeks.

I think I liked it better when I was Not Right. At least I knew where I lived.
  • Current Music
    smashing pumpkins
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(no subject)

Hayseed Dixie.

Band that does bluegrass covers of AC/DC.

Amazing.

Right now, we are listening to one of their original selections entitled:

'I keep my girlfriend's poop in a jar'


I was laughing so hard before I was snorting.
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new day

First of all, my friend David (not the shit dreamer, different one) finagled a copy of Marc Broussard's new album which will not be released for a month and gave me a copy. I highly recommend. I am totally digging this album. Amazing thing is, that this guy is like 12 years old or some shit like that.

My weekend was great. Unexpectedly great, because I paid attention.

Went out for excellent Mexican food last night (or as i called it, Mexcellent) with non-shit dreaming David. Discussed much. Told him the truth. Release.

I did a lot of reading this weekend. David recommended a book to me that I realized my best friend bought for me over 10 years ago.I never bothered to read it because I thought I did not need to....I dug it up out of the attic and I read it in one sitting, and I am so glad I did.


I feel like things might be beginning to change, and for once I know what I have to do. I am exactly where I am supposed to be, right now...and I don't mean New Jersey. :)
  • Current Music
    marc broussard
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(no subject)

Relatively uneventful weekend. I had no idea that arranging my books would be such a time consuming and methodical process.

The apartment is starting to look nice. All the boxes and crap all over the place was driving me insane. I still don't have cable but I am ok with that. My dvd player and vcr are connected so that suits me just fine. I can't believe how much I listen to the radio in my old age. NPR. Constantly. I am probably going to get cable though. Otherwise, on Sunday nights, I will be at the mercy of those who have HBO

6 Feet Under started last night. I think that is the best show on TV.

Deadwood was great as usual. Ian McShane is amazing.

Sedaris' new book is as good as I had hoped. I wish I could write like that.

My stepsister comes home next weekend and we are having a shindig for my father. It is his 65th birthday. I told him this is his last birthday. No more after this. 65 is old enough.





And finally. I love this.


"If I am transparent enough to myself, then I can become less afraid of those hidden selves that my transparency may reveal to others. If I reveal myself without worrying how others will respond, then some will care, though others may not. But who can love me, if no one knows me? I must risk it or live alone. It is enough that I must die alone. I am determined to let down, whatever the risks, if it means that I may have whatever is there for me.

My own free decision to be transparent is a committment to never-ending struggle. Before a man can be free, he must first chose freedom. Then the hard work begins"

-If you see the Buddha on the Road, Kill Him!

I did not read this book. Thanks, D.
  • Current Music
    biggie
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(no subject)

I was watching some of the coverage of President Reagan's funeral before and they did a whole thing about his relationship with his wife Nancy. I just could not help but be moved by the obvious love they had for eachother. It was so nice to see. I watched Mrs Reagan go up to his casket and put her hand on it and talk to him. You could see so much emotion in her face. I felt like it was such a private moment, not the the eyes of millions of viewers...but then again i am sure she will have her own private goodbye. Still, it was heartbreaking to see.
  • Current Music
    massive attack - no protection